Child too much like me...

I have three daughters. One daughter is so much like me that it scares me.  She is very, very shy, unable to make friends easily because of her shyness. She speaks her mind at times that could come off judgmental and hurtful. She is so uncomfortable with herself that she doesn't know what to say when around people and can't seem to see how wonderful and great she is. Because of our financial issues, we were unable to "celebrate" her birthday the way I wanted to. Of course, she says that it was okay ,which really means I want to feel special Mom, but again I get nothing.  See it is hard to know what she really feels because like me, she never wants to put pressure on people.  She never wants us to feel bad that she can't get this or that. She never wants to be a burden and sacrifices herself so many times. She has to constantly give up things because of our situation, but rarely does she tell us. What really hurts is deep down I know as her mother I passed that on to her. When I wanted children, I never wanted them to feel like they were a burden, I always wanted them to feel special and know that they are loved. Too many times when I was growing up I never felt I was wanted or loved. I was left alone unlimited amount of hours on all days, including the major holidays. History has repeated itself and I left her home alone today. Yes, I had appointments that I had to go to for my other child, then I had to go to the store, etc.; all good reasons, right? I still left her home alone. I wanted to break the cycle, but all I did was add another clink to the chain....

Give Me Words to Speak

I wrote the following in 2010.  In January 2010 my husband and I started the journey of driving our oldest daughter to college away from home(to be exact 1,000 miles away from home). There were so many thoughts going through my mind. Have I, as her mother, taught her diligently as Deu 6:7 teaches?  Have I taught her by example to be a follower of Christ, even it means standing alone with the Lord?  Will she depart now that she is older, away from her parents' rules and supervision? Will see think wisely when making decisions or just live on the spur of the moment not thinking of consequences? Will she continue to follow Him?  I took some comfort knowing this was a Christian college and thought she would have professors, resident advisers, etc., help mold and guide her.  As I count the hours down and watch the miles get closer to her new path, I can't help to wonder why I can't be more like a mother bird. Mother birds sit on their baby eggs until they hatch, then they teach the babies how to eat, how to get their food and then when the time is right, they push their babies out of the nest to teach them to fly. After that, that mother bird is ready and lets their babies leave home for good to start their life. I wish I could be like that mother bird.

Our job as a parent is to work ourselves out of a job, right? Well, I am not ready to give up that job.. 

I am discovering that I am not like that mother bird. I want to grab my "baby's" wings or whatever I can get my hands on to keep her here in the nest. It is too soon.

Heavenly Father Give me Words to Speak.

There just wasn't enough time. There is so much more I want to teach her, but now I must be like that momma bird and do what I know I must do. Put her in our heavenly Father's care (where she has always been anyway) and let her start this wonderful journey!
January 5, 2010 the day. Can I do this?   Of course in my head I know I can because He is there for me too. I just wish my heart would learn that too.

Forgive and Forget?? Is that possible?

How many times should you forgive? How many times should "we" be forgiven? I have asked myself these questions for many months now, and I would love to say I have the answers, but I don't. Jesus forgives us for what we do, and if we are to be like Christ, shouldn't we forgive too.  Ephesians 4:32 says:  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.     What should you do if someone continually hurts you, does that still apply? Where does unconditional love come from? There have been people in my life that I have hurt and people in my life that have hurt me. I am at a point today that I would love to say that I have totally forgiven those that have hurt me and they have forgiven me, but that is not true. My mind is full of reasons why and why not, but can't seem to be clear on the exact answers. I miss the time that we shared, but can't seem to get past the hurt that was done. I sit here wondering, does she miss me, too? My negative side says no. She has gone on with her life and put me in her past; never to be thought of again. I am like that. Do I just throw people aside and never revisit our relationship because of some hurtful words? I look at my face in the mirror and wonder.....forgiveness.......noun or verb....???????